The words of one's thoughts, and experiences can be so empowering, and beautiful. It sometimes leaves me in tears to read stories of free, unhindered, UnaBirths.
I think it is wonderful how we can take pen to paper, (or keyboard to computer, as the case is these days) and share of ourselves, our births. It brings woman so far apart, from all over the world closer together. Sharing intimate details of our lives, trusting each other to be validated and honoured for the one thing that connects us all together; the ability to give life.
Trust in others and being able to feel emotional towards others, especially woman is hard for me, due to the strained and abusive relationship I have had with my mother. Sharing my experiences and knowledge that I have gained since my journey to motherhood started is my way of reaching out and coming out of my emotionless shell, that I have been hiding in for so long as a way to remain "safe".
Having a place to write my experiences and share them with other, on birth and pregnancy and parenting e-mail support groups is so very important and helpful in my healing and getting better at embracing female friendships. Feeling understood and knowing there is a safe haven to go to where you are not judged, is, at times a sanity saver for me. Showing another woman love and compassion is hard for me, so when I do it, it is definitely sincere, and heart felt. The birth of my daughter has made it easier.
I love sharing my story, not for the praise but to share what birth CAN be like, if you follow your heart. My birth experience may not be the best birth for other women, but for me it was the birth I was meant to have. I had faith in that from the moment I chose a Unabirth. Trusting in the universe to bring me to the experience that would be what *I* needed, and that I would learn from it, regardless of what happened. I certainly did
Having been raped at 17, I knew that I needed my birth experience to NOT resemble rape in anyway. And to me Rape is being in a vulnerable position with a man that you do not trust or know, touching you in places you would rather not be touched telling you what to do, against your better judgement, and feeling like your not in control. For ME that meant staying as far away from the hospital as possible, where all the potential birth rapists convene.
I knew before I even experienced birth that I would be in the most uncontrollable, vulnerable situation in my life, and I not only wanted, but I NEEDED it to be a good experience, with the only person in my life I trust implicitly, my husband John. If it was not, or had not been the birth it was, I fear what my mental state would have been afterwards. I feel it would have been like being raped all over again, and being the basket case again, I was for 9 years in silence before I started to even admit to anther human that the rape had happened.
I can't imagine not having UnaBirthed my daughter, my first child, Anjohli. I knew from long before she was ever conceived that gentle was the way to go, and that only I and John would be able to fully understand the process of MY birth, and what I and the baby needed, emotionally, as we had confidence that the physical just happens without needing to be guided.
Seeing that John and I are so close in our relationship and love for each other we feel each others pain and pleasure without the other one expressing it, I knew that the birth of out child HAD to be a good experience for all three of us. It was OUR inner wisdom that allowed us to have the best birthing attendants available to us for our Unabirth, us alone, sharing an intimate moment, trusting each others actions, without question.
There is something so feminine in giving birth that for me was enhanced tenfold by just being in the moment of the waves of the contractions pushing our baby out into the world, feeling the overwhelming urge to push and following my husbands directions without questioning his authority or knowledge.
Birthing his child into his hands, I, at that very moment trusted him so implicitly. I was probably the most vulnerable I have ever been in our relationship, and I didn't shy away from it. I accepted it and embraced it, for the first time in my life, I just wholly trusted another human being. The first time since I was a small, innocent, newborn infant myself, before I had lost the automatic trust in my care givers. Before they had given me just cause to not ever trust another human being, which was reinforced at 17 years old.
Trusting completely was amazing. It was healing. Birthing my daughter was primal. I was woman, he was man, we were doing without words what women for thousands of years before me had done, yet it felt so much like I was the first woman to ever birth. There were no worries about shaved legs, or looking decent or worried about how I looked in the moments of strong contractions or worrying about my woman's rights in our male society. There was no worry about what kind of sign it sent to my husband and the world that I was giving in to my husband's directions and commands. No thoughts about the fight for power or to be leader in our relationship that happens on occasion. No fight over whose job was what. We were just doing.
We were two, and in love, with complete trust, we became three.
When I shared our UnaBirthing plans with my therapist, he was very supportive. It helped, that he was from the Eastern world and was accustomed to women giving birth unattended. He endorsed my decision fully and told me that if I felt it was right, I was doing what was best for me. He was right. It was a healing moment for me, and probably the best thing I could have done for my mental health. It set me on a road to so much recovery in the last 13 months; I am hardly the same person I was before we conceived our Miracle.
Self-esteem once again fills my soul. It has helped me see things in life more clearly, showed me the path I was meant to take but could not see behind the bushes until the birth of my daughter pushed the bushes aside to show me the way.
I wish that every woman could find that peace, love, trust, and healing in their births. But sadly it does not happen. That is why women who know it can be different need to speak up and tell our stories so mothers-to-be and couples can know how it could be.
Why woman who have had bad experiences need to speak up and tell their stories so woman coming into motherhood can know how it can be, and how to avoid it, and for the writer, as a healing exercise. Why women like Ocean, and the countless number of women on email support lists take the time to share their personal lives with strangers. Sharing our knowledge with others is so they too, can know how beautiful birthing can really be.
Written by:
Ril G.
Email
March 6th, 2002
