Wednesday, December 17th
I had my routine weekly OB appointment. I was really not feeling well, it took me much longer than usual to get ready and I was feeling very nauseous and hot and anxious. We got to the appointment and I was starting to feel a bit light headed and dizzy I just wanted to get through the door and sit down…
We got in and no sooner had I sat down than they called me in. I went, gave my sample and sat down for my BP which was 144/78 which, compared to my 90-100/ 60-66 I had been consistent with throughout the pregnancy, was quite high for me. We looked for swelling didn’t find any. My urine tested fine but the OB was a bit concerned due to my symptoms of nausea, hot flashes and lightheadedness.
He said he understood that I didn’t want another induced birth but he also knew that I had expected to birth prior to this. I agreed, but asked him to check me to see if anything was really happening. He did and said I was 3cm, still only about 50% effaced and the baby was still at a zero station. He said we could strip my membranes and see what happened and that it would probably be enough to get my labor started but that if it wasn’t and if I continued to have an elevated BP that he wanted to induce in the AM. I agreed, figuring that stripping my membranes would probably be all I needed seeing as I had a CTX within a minute of him stripping them.
On the way home we called my mom to come up to stay with Lexi (which in some ways I wish we hadn’t done because mom stresses me out and I know that) and decided to go to the mall to exchange some of the clothes I had gotten for Brenna in the wrong sizes.
I came home sat down to rest for a few while Steve cleaned up the kitchen a bit. I emailed a couple of groups and my doula and chatted with Bramble a bit. She was quite encouraging. At the mall I continued having contractions and they seemed to get closer together and a bit stronger but I still didn't time them because I had been contracting for weeks and it seemed like if I started watching the clock they would surely stall out.
We got home and I picked up a bit more in the house, both because I was quite restless and to keep things moving along. My mom got here around 3:30pm, I think, and Lexi was napping so I woke her and we all just sat around for a bit.
Then it all started. My mom began telling Steve how horrible I was when I am in labor … I began to regret calling her already. I was doing so well before now. I started second guessing myself and defending everything about me and here she was telling Steve all about my overly medicalized 1st birth with the drs arguing about who was/wasn’t delivering my baby as my dr wasn’t there yet even though I was crowning, flat on my back and now terrified with my mom yelling at me and the drs. The burning, not knowing what to expect I just wanted everyone to be quiet. I needed silence and it never happened. What did happen was an episiotomy that I don’t know if I'll ever recover fully from.
Then she started telling him about the stress of my 2nd birth a beautiful baby boy placed for adoption 7 years ago that was completely induced with Pitocin from the beginning because of an impending storm and my drive to the hospital. I held that baby in for as long as I could, waiting for the adoptive parents to get there. I fought the Pitocin. At the end, when they started upping my dosage because they could see me fighting it, I wanted to push so bad but held it back again with all the yelling and screaming in the delivery room with me flat on my back, overcome by Pitocin, I couldn’t fight it anymore. He was born only seconds before the adoptive mother walked in. I felt as though I had failed her because we had planned for months that she would be there.
She wasn’t there for my 3rd birth, Lexi’s birth, the birth where I had both a midwife as my ‘duty nurse’ and a doctor who believed in me and in my body. A doctor who, with all the letters behind his name, kept telling me I had to birth my baby, he was only there to catch. The doctor who made me realize how wonderful it could feel when I was not on my back. Who made sure that there was only me him and the nurse and Lexi’s dad in the room and that everyone stay quiet there was no shouting and counting to 10. It was wonderful. The only noise/voice in the room was coming from me. It was primitive, natural and felt so good and when I realized it was my voice I was hearing, it was he who encouraged it.
Now, after hearing my mom do this for hours, I realized my contractions were spreading out some again.
About 10:30 or 11 Steve and I went up to bed and he held me and told me not to worry about anything, especially my mom, and rubbed my back for a bit.
Now I was relaxed and labor seemed to be picking up again. I was pretty restless all night, up and down, going to the bathroom when I really wanted to be downstairs sitting on my ball listening to music talking with my baby but I also didn’t want everyone to be up with me so I stayed in bed.
I ended up going in to the hospital at about 2pm. I just kind of hung out and took a nap until my doctor came in at about 4. I fell in love with my nurse, Laurie. Not only had she read my birth plan she had it taped to the front of my chart and was following it to the letter.
My doctor, out of habit, wrote the order for blood work and an IV and she came back into my room and told us what my doctor had done. She knew I didn’t want one and did I want her to call my doctor and ask him if it could wait? I was quite appreciative and said yes. Laurie came back in and said it could wait and that he asked her to apologize, that it was just habit.
Before this, while my dr was there, he asked if I would like to be checked so we could discuss better options as my BP was still a bit elevated. I said sure … I was about 4-5 cm still only about 50% and the baby was still zero but he said it seemed like the baby was trying to turn to get in a better position. As he was checking me my waters broke. He said that because of that he would leave the induction up to me and see where I was in a few hours and just make myself at home. He asked if it would be ok to monitor the baby for a while and see what the monitors picked up for contractions … I laughed and said probably nothing they are very very low.
For the next hour, I think, we struggled with the monitors trying to get them to monitor the baby for more than 30 seconds and pick up my contractions … Laurie said she just wanted to monitor the baby during a couple of contractions for the sake of the chart, though I know it was more to cover her ass in case of anything. I was quite OK with this… She gave up on the monitor picking them up and started just counting heartbeats when I would tell her I was having a contraction seeing as neither were being picked up on the monitor. She then left us for a while.
So there we were, Steve and I.
It's now about 6pm. I’m contracting but nothing I can't handle while rotating throughout the room; from sitting on my birthing ball, to leaning over it, to sitting in the chair, to checking my email ( it was all downloaded before leaving for the hospital), to playing spider solitaire, just wasting time. Laurie would come in every once in a while ask us if we needed anything to eat or drink, ask how I was, check my bp and count heartbeats then leave.
Around 8pm Laurie and the dr both came back in and asked how I was… I asked to be checked again I was 6cm but still only 50% effaced and the baby seemed posterior again … Laurie asked us if today was the first day of using the birthing ball. Steve laughed and said, "Are you kidding? She has been on that thing for at least 6 weeks now. Sleeping for proper positioning, everything!" She couldn’t believe that nothing had worked to turn him around and that I hadn’t had previous posterior babies but thought it was great that I wasn’t begging for a c-section because of it, like so many women do at that hospital. That was when the Dr. piped up with, "Are you kidding? She was asking about our experiences with letting moms birth breech babies!"
Due to how slowly I felt I was progressing and hearing that the baby was again posterior, I asked what he thought about a teeny dose of Pitocin. He said it was up to me but if that’s what I wanted he’d write the orders. I told him that ctx this low and in my back and thighs were new to me and I felt I didn’t have it in me for another 22 hour labor. So, about 8:30, Laurie came back in to try to give me the IV so I could have the pitocin and, for the 2nd time in my life (the first being my horror trip to the hosp at 34 weeks), I have problems getting an IV. It took 3 tries and 2 nurses to get the IV using pediatric equipment. So, a little after 9pm, the Pitocin was finally started.
At about 9:30 I had already talked to my mom and said goodnight to Lexi. The ctx were now about 3-4 minutes apart and getting soooo much stronger in my back.
I’m sitting on my ball at the foot of the bed with Steve in a chair beside me, trying to distract myself with TV. I asked Steve to apply counter pressure to my back during ctx but he applied too much and I nearly rolled off the ball. I decide I don’t need counter pressure that badly and that, though the TV wasn’t distracting me it was distracting him, which was a good thing because it was allowing me to retreat into myself. I do this for a half hour or so. Laurie comes in to see if I need anything. I decide I want to hop into the tub so she starts getting the bath ready for me, counts heartbeats some more during ctx, states how great I seem to be doing and that she had heard from the dr that if I wanted we were going to attempt a water birth (against hosp policy. With consent from the dr we decided that, if I wanted a water birth and I felt everything was ok, we could attempt it unassisted and either call him and he would stay out in the main room quietly or not call him until it was over) I told her we were still playing it by ear.
Finally, I was able to get into the tub. It felt so great, except it was so long that I was really having a hard time getting my legs comfortable and feeling supported. But after only about 5 minutes in the tub my ctx were about 2 minutes apart and starting to piggy back on each other … I was also beginning to feel like I wanted to push but also like I really had to poop. I stayed in the tub like this for as long as I could but I decided that I really did need to poop. By the time I decided this my ctx were right on top of each other with maybe only 30 seconds between them and lasting for 2 minutes at least. I had taken my watch off, so I’m not really sure.
I asked Steve to help me out of the tub so I could go potty. He was shocked ( I have serious poop issues. I usually can only go when he is gone and definitely not if he is upstairs and definitely not in a public place) He helped me to the toilet. It took us 3 ctx but finally I was there I kicked him out of the bathroom and shut the door. I was a bit hesitant about pushing to go because I could feel the baby moving down. I decided that if I didn’t at least try to poop I'd probably fight all my urges to push all night and hold the baby in. So I pooped and when I was done I cleaned up and flushed but my ctx had gotten stronger and closer in the process and I couldn’t get up off the toilet. My legs were shaking they were so sore and I wanted back in that tub.
Well, I was calling Steve but he must have zoned out on TV to give me some privacy and the new nurse heard me saying I was done and came in … I told her I was done she must have thought I meant with the tub not potty because she drained my tub! I was devastated …
I asked Steve just to help me get back to the bed… this new nurse was not getting off to a good start. She told me that because I had had Pitocin I had to go back on a monitor because it hadn’t picked anything up in hours. I told her it was because we were monitoring it manually… then I started having a ctx. She kept blabbing. I asked her to be quiet …still her talking …I started trying to think of a song, any song, to sing in my head to block her out …. I just wanted her to shut up … finally it was over ….
"I don’t know of you read my birth plan or not but everything is clearly stated in it and you are to be QUIET while I’m having a ctx. I need to concentrate on them and nothing else."
"…blah I understand that but…"
"Hold on, another one!"
"...blah blah blah, I need to…"
"Sshhhh quiet!"
"… blah blah…"
"Shhht!"
"… blah blah blah..."
Ah, relief!
"Once again, you need to be quiet when I'm having a ctx. That doesn’t mean lower your voice and lecture me, it means stop talking. Stop rustling your clothes. It means silence! Hold on..."
"… blah blah blah..."
(in my head: ‘The sun will come out tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow …" … it was all I could think of besides Hakuna Matata)
Apparently this woman didn’t understand what quiet meant…
Laurie came in, apologized for not coming in to tell me of the impending shift change but also, because she knew what we were possibly attempting with the tub, she was shocked that I was out of it. She could tell I was having a ctx, so she immediately got quiet. Then I hear "...blah blah..." Laurie shushed her.
I tell her its OK and to have a nice night. She wished me luck and they both left.
I realized that it was after 11pm. I had a few really good ctx where I started feeling the urge to push so I did. Then the dr came in and asked how I was doing. During my next ctx even he got quiet … I say I'm ok. He asks to check me. I’m 7cm and starting to finally thin out. He says he has to run down to the ER and do I think I'll be OK or should he send another dr? I tell him I’m fine, go. He unhooked my IV and I asked if I needed the stupid monitoring belts on anymore. They hadn’t been doing anything but letting Laurie hear the baby’s heart so she could count during a ctx, so he said no problem and took them off then said I didn’t have to worry about them anymore…. Another ctx. He left quietly.
...pushing… then
"...blah blah blah …"
"Shush.." (singing in my head)
When she sees me open my eyes again she is all, "I need to monitor you. Who took out your IV?! ... blah blah..." I tell her the dr did, he said not to worry about the monitors.
…ctx...
She starts pushing on my belly during my ctx.
"STOP!" and when my ctx is through I tell her I am fine and she could leave, I'd call her if I needed something. She stormed out. I had another ctx.
She is back, arguing about the damn monitors again. I argue through a couple ctx with her and she said he never WROTE that I didn’t need it anymore. I tell her fine, he is in the ER, go get him and ask him. A couple of minutes later she comes back with my doctor.
He notices ctx. She starts whining again, he shushes her… She reaches for my belly again, he stops her… She starts to say something.
I interrupt her to tell them that I’m ready … He says OK, if I feel the urge to push to go for it and not worry… I try to roll over from my side. I want to squat but I know my legs couldn’t support me … I wish for a squatting bar but at this point I can't even muster words, I’m concentrating so hard on keeping my legs under me. He lowers the lower part of the bed. I get my butt so it's just on the edge of the middle section and my feet on the lowered section in a semi-squat and holding my upper body up with the rails of the bed.
With the next ctx I close my eyes again and push. I can feel the baby moving down the canal only I can't tell how far he has yet to go.
Deep breath and keep pushing and my baby is completely out.
...relief…(11:48 pm 12/18/03)
