I didn't get around to writing this version for nearly 11 years. It isn't so much a "birth story" as an explanation of who I am and the path that has brought me here. If you're still interested in reading, enjoy! :)
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My first child was my third pregnancy.
My first had been aborted at 18, a decision I don't regret as the relationship I was in was turning abusive at the time. I contacted the soul of that child, Heather, and realized that her purpose had more to do with waking me up to the reality my life was becoming than in actually incarnating this time. I love and bless her for that gift.
My second pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. It appears to be fairly common for most women to lose a pregnancy in the first trimester, and I was no exception.
To say that my third pregnancy was unplanned would be a serious understatement. I was 23 at the time and had been married for a few years already ~ but she was not my husband's child and we all knew it. A mutual friend of ours had been going through some dark times after the love of his life left him for another and his longtime latent attraction to me had become more intense. I am a survivor of incest who never learned how, when or even that I could turn down a man's sexual advances. I thought I had an open marriage but the fact was, I had a broken soul... and an ardent admirer who honestly loved me.
Anyway, I convinced my husband to allow me to give my child up for adoption. I was greatly relieved that he didn't insist on my having an abortion. I could tell that this child had a real desire to join the human race and I knew in my heart that I needed to respect that. I quickly found a couple who wanted my child. Though they adopted their first child, a daughter, from over seas during my pregnancy they were still hoping that they would be blessed with mine as well.
I quickly discovered that I loved being pregnant! What a wonderful feeling to have life growing inside your body. I had no trace of sickness, though I was constantly tired and as my belly grew I was torn between connecting with my child and not wanting to get too attached. For me, carrying a child for another couple was easily as agonizing as it was enjoyable. Words can't convey the dizzying swirl of emotions I went through during the 8 months I carried my first child to term. As a result I have both a deep and abiding respect for birth mothers and an understanding acceptance of women who choose to abort children they cannot raise themselves. No one has the right to make these kind of life choices for anyone but themselves. Any and all forms of force or coercion interfering in the reproductive realm horrify me. I had enough trouble making my own choices, I can't even imagine wanting to be responsible for making those choices for other people...
Faerin's birth, right...
I'd wanted a home birth since I was witness to a friend's a few years prior. It was a party birth with friends and midwives, cake and champagne and it looked great to me. My friend loaned me her childbirth books and I read one whose author lived in my town. I'd already interviewed and rejected one midwife but the thought of having a famous midwife/author/educator at my birth tickled me pink. I met with her and one of her students at her home/office and the place was jumping with activity. I was watching the operations of a major home birth advocacy/education business and it made me feel very safe. I gave my birth to my midwife then and there.
Rahima told me that mothers who were planning to give up their children shouldn't have home births. She felt that the energy of my birth in my home would make it harder to bear the lack of a baby in my home. Luckily she had a Birth Center only an hour's drive away from me that would handle my birth.
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An interesting aside, my little sister was expecting her second child at the same time I was expecting Faerin. Her first birth had been a hospital circus where she was ordered not to push (despite her urges) until the doctor arrived. After holding her baby back for 45 minutes, the doctor rushed in and "saved" the child who had her cord wrapped around her neck.
When I mentioned to my sister that I was thinking of a home birth, she freaked out. She knew just how "dangerous" birth was and couldn't believe I'd be that foolish with my child's life at stake.
Later on in her pregnancy, at a routine prenatal visit, the doctor (yup, the same guy who held up her birth then "saved" her baby) noted that her blood pressure was elevated. He told her she might be developing pre-eclampsia. Those words stabbed my sister's heart, as her best friend had developed full blown eclampsia only a year or so before and had gone into eclamptic seizures following her birth. He told her to stay off of her feet and reduce her salt intake, then walked out on her and all of her unanswered questions.
She called me in tears and asked what I knew about preventing pre-eclampsia. I asked my midwives and they had me bring her down to the Birth Center for my next appointment. My sister developed an instant rapport with Rahima's partner, "Auntie" Val, and was debriefed on the details of her previous birth. Valerie pointed out that the 45 minutes of holding back a baby that was ready to be born might have had something to do with the emergency situation her birth became. She also pooh-poohed everything the doctor had said about pre-eclampsia (salt and exercise are vital during pregnancy), offered her some more suggestions (calcium-magnesium supplements, water and more protein) and sold her on birthing at the Birth Center.
My second niece was born 11 days before Faerin was, and in the very same bed. :)
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Back to my birth story...
I got through my pregnancy by convincing everyone who pressed me for information that I'd been raped by a family friend and that's why we were adopting out. My midwives really, really wanted my story to have a happy ending.
An internal exam at 36 weeks on a Wednesday ended with the announcement that I was really 40 weeks along and my baby would be here by Monday. What a brain-buster that was. I knew my dates were right but the "what ifs" started flying all the same. My husband and I scheduled an emergency session with our childbirth instructor because we wouldn't make it to the rest of the classes. We called the adoption worker and the waiting family, packed a bag and then... nothing. It was a rough weekend.
By Monday night I was a mess. I had really believed that my midwife knew when my baby would be born and I was stressing out over her being wrong. Then I got a low backache (my mother's only symptom of labor with me was an annoying backache) and scampered off to the birth center around midnight where the midwife in charge tucked my hubby and I into bed and went back to sleep.
I labored all night and had my baby just before noon on Tuesday. I remember being given several doses of some vile herbal tinctures, having an Evening Primrose oil capsule or two massaged into my cervix, an enema, lots of cervical checks and not being allowed back into the tub for fear I'd slow things down.
I also remember squatting on a low stool chanting "open" through clenched teeth. I thought I was relaxing but, in retrospect, I can feel the tension I experienced trying to hold her back. I wasn't ready to let go.
Still, she came out in a reasonable amount of time, 12 hours or less and the birth was 'good' by all standard measures. My sister had been waiting for word from me all night and finally decided to call in the morning. The midwives told her that I was waiting for her so she should HURRY. She ran in to find me flat on my back (pushing uphill), stark naked with my midwife shooting photos. She offered me a hand to push my foot against and asked me about the photos. I couldn't have begun to care and, in fact, when I developed the roll and saw what was there I called her and asked "Who took pictures??". I had no memory of it at all.
The cord was looped around Faerin's neck twice and once around the body. I had really tried to hold her in... My sister turned white at this point as her first birth flashed in front of her but my midwife (OK, her student was "catching" my baby. My midwife was holding my 2 week old niece while I labored.) unlooped it, no problem.
When she was lifted up and onto my belly she looked right in my eyes and said, "HI". I swear it. We all heard her. I fell deeply and hopelessly in love, much to my dismay.
The midwives concocted a story about Faerin needing sugar water right after birth. They later admitted to wanting my hubby to bond with my daughter and handing him a bottle for the baby seemed like a good way to do it. Maybe it even worked.
We took our daughter home under a cloud of tension. She was born at 36 weeks, no doubt about it. My dates were dead on, she wasn't my husband's baby after all. Still, on that Thursday morning he committed to raising her as his own.
I got to keep my Rosebud!! :)
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About a week after the birth, after we told the folks they were really and truly Grandparents, my husband's parents and sister came to visit. My sister-in-law had had a baby just one month before Faerin was born.
When I brought her out my sister-in-law gasped, "Why is she so RED?". I looked in the corner and saw the palest little baby sitting in his car seat. Valerie (my midwife) later told me that early cord clamping causes paler, anemic babies.
I was convinced that my birth was amazing and incredible because it was the best I'd seen. I don't think I would have chosen a different birth even with all the choices available. I "needed" to give my baby and my birth away to someone "more responsible" than I was. That's just who I was at that point in time.
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