Wendi's birth of Eavan

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I feel like I have been gestating this baby for four years. That is when we started TTC.

After many miscarriages and the loss of my father I again found myself pregnant and hopeful. July 12th 2004 I saw those two lines. I was a bundle of emotions, hope, fear, pain, grief, excitement, elation and so much more. The first trimester was particularly hard. I was so fearful of miscarriage. I became depressed and started having panic attacks. Once I realized what was happening, I was able to start feeling better and get the depression and anxiety to relent.

Making it to the second trimester felt like a huge accomplishment. Feeling my baby kick inside of me was so reassuring and comforting.

We chose to have a free birth and pregnancy. I did go see a midwife at about 29 weeks to take care of all the paperwork for Jenabe's leave. I also got blood work done at that point just to make sure everything was normal. During my pregnancy I tuned in and listened to my body. I ate as well as I could considering the nausea and the heartburn. I took my blood pressure occasionally and made sure baby was moving every day.

I had a lot of little pregnancy complaints but no complications. I fully expected and planned on giving birth after my due date. Both my other children came after their due dates and with both I had my membranes stripped to start labor. I figured since I would be allowing my body to start labor on it's own that I would most definitely go past my due date.

The official due date was March 17th and I figured the baby would come that week or the following week. I had all my birth supplies ready just in case but really didn't expect anything. I was tired of being pregnant but geared up for a couple more weeks.

I started having warm-up contractions at 30 weeks and they often felt very strong and somewhat painful. I was worried a bit about preterm labor and took it easy until I reached 34 weeks when I felt safe having a homebirth. Of course 34 weeks came and went and then I knew I would be pregnant for a while longer. I was so eager to meet this baby. I had been waiting for four years and couldn't believe the time was finally approaching.

The week leading up to his birth I had some stronger contractions and had the distinct feeling that this baby was going to be a Pisces not an Aries. I still wasn't accepting that it would happen soon.

Wednesday night (9th), I didn't sleep well at all, I had a lot of contractions throughout the night and some prelabor diarrhea.

The next day I seemed to have contractions throughout the day, they were starting to happen when I was sitting down which was completely new. By six that evening the tone of the contractions had changed, they were taking a lot of my attention and starting to feel like menstrual cramps, low and deep.

Jenabe arrived home and made an incredible steak dinner which I desperately needed. We watched some of our favorite shows (Survivor, CSI and Without a Trace) and I sat on the couch and contracted throughout all of them. Midway through Without a Trace I couldn't sit still or concentrate on the show anymore. I went and read some email and bounced on my birth ball.

The birth ball helped the contractions to not be so painful. I fully accept the concept of pain free birth but so far that hasn't been my experience with any of my births.

As soon as the show was over I had Jenabe get the kids to bed. While they were getting ready they were playing and yelling and I was having a huge contraction in the kitchen. I snapped at them to be quiet and go to bed. Apparently I made an impression because the house was quiet after that. Jenabe helped them get to bed and then came and was talking during a contraction and I told him to shooosh! He giggled at that and I ripped him. I was getting super agitated at that point because I still couldn't believe I was in labor and I didn't want to have to do this again another day. I sent him to bed and I got in the rocking chair in our room and figured I would go to sleep and awake still pregnant the next day.

For the next several hours I dozed and contracted in the rocking chair. The contractions were coming in clusters of three. I would have a huge long contraction quickly followed by two smaller contractions and then a few minutes break and then three more.

I went to the bathroom twice between 11pm and 2:30am; both times I ended up stuck on the toilet. I was okay if I was slightly leaned back but trying to sit up was so very painful.

I kept thinking I could just sit few a couple contractions and then be able to get up but they wouldn't stop. Both times I had to fight through the pain and hoist myself up off the toilet. The second time at 2:30 I got up off the toilet and then had a HUGE contraction at the sink. I danced my way through that contraction and looked in the mirror and said "if this isn't real than I am fucked!"

I got back in the rocking chair into the very still position I had been in all night and really had to concentrate through the contractions. Each one would start and I would go deep within myself and visualize the baby's head and the cervix stretching over it and all the sutures of my pelvis stretching to accommodate. I focused on a leaf pattern on the blanket I had over me and told my pelvis and cervix to stretch and open.

Looking back I was starting transition at this point. Each contraction took my entire focus. I moaned through a couple and that made me feel more out of control so I went back to looking at the leaf and talking to myself, visualizing my baby moving down. I had to hold completely still and not move or it was excruciating. I held still for so long that my hands were going to sleep. I just knew that if I could make it through each contraction that I would be fine. I didn't have to worry about the ones in the past or the ones in the future just the one I was dealing with at that very second.

I debated a couple times about waking up Jenabe or calling my friend Zoë but knew I just need every bit of my own focus to make it through and I couldn't stand any sort of distraction. I thought about posting online that I was in labor but just thinking of turning on the computer was too distracting. I focused and focused and they just kept rolling through in waves of three. I was tired but elated that I would meet my baby soon. I figured I had many more hours and that I would have plenty of time to wake everyone and make all the calls.

At 3:30am my moaning woke Jenabe up and I asked him to get working on the birth pool. I do wish I had woken him earlier, because I could have used the pool a bit sooner than it was ready. I have to commend him though he really kicked it into high gear and boiled more water than he ever has in his life.
:-)

Around 4:30 he came in and said that the pool was to 80 degrees. I almost started sobbing. I so wanted to be in the water. It was all I could do to stay focused through my contractions. I was getting louder and louder and feeling a bit out of control. My legs had started to shake between contractions and they were coming closer together without many breaks. I never felt like I couldn't do it, I was just really overwhelmed with the experience.

At almost five he said the water was close to 90 degrees.

During the entire labor I was mainly alone. We watched TV together during early labor and then he slept and then he was focused on getting the birth pool ready. I was in my bedroom alone throughout most of the labor, sitting in my recliner. At five am I couldn't take it anymore and didn't care how warm the pool was, I was getting in. I hoisted myself up and had a very intense walk down the hall.

I get to the living room and there it is, sweet bliss, a wonderful tub of water just waiting for me. It was warm enough at first and felt oh so good. Jenabe kept coming with pots of boiling water and kept the temp. rising. I was having some major contractions but they were much easier to deal with in the water. It felt like I was in the pool for about 20 minutes total but it was closer to an hour.

I must have been in there for about 30 minutes when I noticed that I was grunting in the middle of each contraction. It had happened a couple times before I realized that I was pushing a bit. I finally decided to check myself and see if there was any progress.

This was the first check of my entire labor. I reached in a felt head about a knuckle and a half inside me. I was so excited. So I was pushing and baby was on the way. Phew!!!

About that time Jenabe picked up the phone and said "should I call Zoë?" I replied "The head is right here!" He put down the phone and picked up the camera, thankfully. I would have never thought about it as I was so caught up in just having my baby.

Within about two more pushes his head was crowning. I did some small pushes and felt the ring of fire. I knew I was going to tear so I would ease up and then push again trying to ease the head out.

The head was out to about the ears and then the contraction went away and I felt so stuck. I couldn't push and I could barely stand the sensation. It seemed like I waited forever for the next contraction, ah pushing again. I started burning and just made a rash decision that I didn't care if I tore I had to get the baby out. It was just too intense to have the head right there.

I pushed and out swam my baby into the water to the end of the umbilical cord. The baby hit the end of the cord and sort of floated back towards me and I grabbed my sweet wet little baby up to my chest. It was so cool to see my baby in the water and then have baby in my arms.

It took about 15 seconds for breathing to start but I wasn't worried. There were lots of secretions so I put baby face down for a second and that really helped. A bit of a cry and that calm breathing. Jenabe asked what we had and I looked and said "we have a boy, I have a baby boy!" The dog came running when she heard the cry.

Jenabe went and got Kaija who came right out. She had been listening to the whole thing but didn't come out because she didn't want to interfere or get in the way.

At that point I felt a contraction and knew the placenta was on its way. (Both my other placentas came right after the birth) I didn't want to deliver the placenta in the pool so I stepped out of the pool onto a towel that Jenabe put down. A nice size clot fell out onto the towel. I had a strong contraction and told Jenabe, he asked what he should do and I said "grab the bucket" which he did just in time and I birthed the placenta standing next to the pool holding the baby.

Kaija carried the placenta bowl and we moved to the couch. I spent a while just holding and looking at my baby boy. We talked about his name and affirmed that it would be Eavan. Kaija went and got Zaid but he took his sweet time coming out because it was so early. The kids were so amazed to wake up to a new brother.

I called Zoë at that point to let her know what happened. I apologized for not calling her in time but she was great and told me not to worry about it. I still feel a little badly as I really did want her to be here.

Zaid finally came out and we all talked about our new baby and how surprised we are that it was a boy. Zaid said that he knew it was a boy all along and that he was the only one that was right. I commended him for his insight. We all discussed what his middle name should be and went round and round for a few minutes before decided that Lugh was a great middle name.

I had tried to nurse him a bit but he wasn't ready, he just wanted to look around and get to know his new world. After about 40 minutes or so I cut his cord leaving it quite long because he seemed to get cold if we unwrapped him at all. He was peacefully awake for about an hour. Kaija got a chance to hold him and couldn't be more in love. By that time Zoë had arrived. We were all just in awe of Eavan and sat around looking at him in wonder.

He finally fell asleep and was very cozy so I took my chance to get a shower. Oh, that felt so good.

We took him into the bedroom to finally weigh him and diaper him and put on his first outfit. I nursed him a bit but he really wasn't all that interested. Jenabe, Zaid and Kaija were all in my bed. Jenabe and Zaid ended up going to sleep. I went into Kaija's room with Eavan and took a bit of a nap. Zaid came in later and got his chance to hold Eavan. Jenabe didn't get a chance until much later in the day. He was busy cleaning up and draining the birth pool. Our house was back to normal by midday. Jenabe made us all food and we just relaxed as a family.

I feel so amazed by his birth. I did the entire thing myself. I finally have this beautiful baby that I have dreamed about for years. I am so proud of myself. I feel strong and powerful and fully woman.

We are still struggling with nursing a bit and that is frustrating. I have all this knowledge about breastfeeding but none of it will make his mouth open wider. He is so used to sucking his tiny fingers that he doesn't open very wide. I know he can because I have seen him yawn very wide. We are getting to know each other and I am learning what helps him nurse better and what gets in the way. I know that we will figure it out sooner rather than later. The good thing is that he is getting plenty of milk. He has plenty of diapers and his cheeks are starting to fatten up.

I feel like my life started over 8 days ago. There is nothing like holding Eavan and smelling his sweet smell and looking into his gorgeous face, it is like being between worlds. Time stands still when I look in his eyes. My heart opens up and gushes when I see my three children together being so loving and caring towards each other. Our family is so close and I think Eavan's birth only brought us all closer. Jenabe has six weeks off and we are all going to cherish every moment we have together.

Our lives are blessed beyond reason,

I am grateful beyond words.